This is a culmination of my too many interests. It's is an in-between place. It's more focused than my Myspace blog, but less so than my author blog. Here you can find artwork, photography, writing, poetry, book covers, manga and pointless videos. All of these things mesh together to become a reflection of their creator in an in-between place colored like shadows and flavored like frappuccinos and chocolate. It's one heck of a world.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Question of Evil - short story

I've been filling in all week for Jonathan at the Word of the Day blog, and that includes writing this week's silly story.....

A Question of Evil

“And that,” The newscaster concluded, “has been the fifth blender murder this week.”
 
The words caught Todd’s attention, and he paused to peer over his roommate’s shoulder at the television screen. “Did she say ‘blender murder’?”

“Yeah,” Martin answered. “There’s a maniac murdering helpless blenders. He sneaks into their house, leaves a not that says ‘I hate the taste of lime!’ and then chucks the blender out the window.” He pointed to an image of a ruined blender flashing past on the TV. “Look at all its poor little guts just strewn about all over the sidewalk. Oh! The humanity!”

“Um right.” Todd took a step back. Martin just hadn’t been the same since he’d come home with purple hair. Maybe the dye had leaked into his brain or something. “I’m going to go to work now.”

“All right.” Martin sniffled and dabbed his eyes. “Just be careful.”

“Um, okay.”

Todd tried hard to shake off the morning’s weirdness. He headed to the office to pick up his vacuum cleaner and his case of supplies. Once he was there, his boss took a moment to remind him that if he didn’t sell a vacuum cleaner today, then he wouldn’t get a paycheck for the week. Todd always appreciated when his boss took the time make his bad day worse.

But that was just the beginning.

Todd didn’t sell any vacuum cleaners all morning, though he did get half of a salsa lesson from a black haired dancing girl – until her husband came home in the middle of it. Todd explained that he was just a vacuum salesman, he even tried showing the guy the vacuum (and hiding behind it), but he still ended up with a black eye before he could make it out of the house.

“Go back to the devil, you vacuum salesman!” the guy shouted and waved his fist before he slammed the door.

Todd wanted to eat lunch, but he only had enough change for a glass of ice, which the cashier suggested he should eat outside. He was sitting on the curb, crunching his frozen ice cubes, when a neatly dressed fellow carrying a heavy case came to a stop next to him.

“Hello,” the guy said affably, then nodded to the vacuum. “A fellow salesman?”

“Um… yeah.” Todd gave the guy a once over. He wasn’t sure about getting too friendly with the competition.

“I sell encyclopedias,” the guy explained. “My name’s Bob.”

“Oh, hi Bob. I’m Todd, and I sell vacuums. Or at least I’m supposed to sell vacuums, but mainly I just carry this thing around a lot and use up hundreds of little white filters.”

Bob nodded sympathetically and took a seat next to him. “I feel your pain. This is a tough town. It’s the kind of place that could drive a guy mad. Just last week one of my coworkers snapped.”

“Really?” Todd wasn’t interested, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Yeah. It was after he went to this one house… I forget the address. Anyway, he tried to sell them some encyclopedias, but he said the coffee pot kept laughing at him. And then this blender salesman showed up with some fancy routine. He made them all lime smoothies-“ Bob’s voice dropped low so that Todd had to lean close to hear. “I hear that guy can blend a whole lime in his display blender just like that!” He snapped his fingers, and Todd jumped back. “Anyway, so this co worker said that the coffee pot told him that all blenders must die. He ran out of there so fast that he didn’t even take his case with him. I have to go pick it up today.”

“Oh.” Todd crunched his ice in what he hoped was an interested and absorbed way. “That sounds weird.”

“I know! And then there’s been all these blender murders.” Bob tapped the side of his head knowingly. “It makes you think, doesn’t it?”

Todd stopped crunching his ice as a realization struck him. “You mean that your crazy coworker is the blender murderer?”

Bob looked at Todd as if he’d fallen off a truck of used potatoes. “Noooooo. Why would you think that?”

“Well, he said blenders must die…” Todd trailed off. “Never mind.”

“I was going to say it makes you think that maybe there is something evil about kitchen appliances. I mean just look at them. They all look like they’re sneering.  I bet even that vacuum cleaner looks evil.”

Todd closed his eyes and opened them again, but Bob was still there and the conversation was still happening. “My vacuum cleaner isn’t evil-“

Before he could finish his sentence, Bob unpacked the vacuum cleaner and made a triumphant sound. “If it’s not evil then why does it have horns? Huh? Look! Look!”

“Those aren’t horns,” he tried to explain patiently as he pulled the machine away from the lunatic and tried to pack it back in the box. “Those are patented, convenient wrapping nubs. You wrap the cord around them to keep it tangle free. No untangling the cord with a De-veel vacuum cleaner.”
Bob didn’t look convinced. In fact, he tried to voice that opinion, but Todd was tired and he didn’t feel like listening, so he packed up his vacuum and trudged off.  As if his boss and his black eye wasn’t bad enough, he had to run into the cuckoo of the encyclopedia salesmen. 

But Todd’s bad day turned around. It was his last stop, and he had to use up all of his little white filters, but he managed to sell a vacuum cleaner to a little old lady named Delores. She signed all the paper work, paid all the fees, and Todd arrived back at the office short one vacuum cleaner and one contract richer.

“So, you sold one?” his boss asked skeptically. “Or did you give it away?”

“I sold it!” Todd snapped and dropped the signed, sealed contract packet on the desk. “Along with a full package.”

The boss opened the envelope and flipped through the contents, muttering to himself, “One year warranty, yadda yadda yadda, extended leakage protection, yadda yadda yadda, hypo allergenic cat groomer attachment, yadd yadda yadda, one soul, yadda yadda yadda.” He broke off and grinned at Todd. “Good job, kid. Looks like you’ll be getting that paycheck now.”

Todd waited by the desk while his boss went to cut him a paycheck. The phone rang and when no one came to answer it, Todd decided he'd better.

“Hello, six-sixty-six vacuum cleaners, satisfaction guaranteed or your soul back. This is Todd, how can I help you?”

“Oh hey, it’s Martin. Could you grab a bag of ice on your way home? I just bought this really cool blender….”


6 comments:

Lisa Kessler said...

LOL Loved it Joleene!!!!

Great Blog!!! :)

Lisa

Joleene Naylor said...

@Lisa Kessler

Thanks! I hope Jonathan doesn't mind it too much! gwahahahahahaha1

PJS said...

I love this story. The soul sell in the contracts was a wonderful twist, I didn't see that one coming at all. LOL

I don't care if he does, this was excellent!

Jonathan Harvey said...

LOL It was great.

Joleene Naylor said...

@PJS

Thanks! I was almost surprised, too ;)

Joleene Naylor said...

@Jonathan Harvey

:-D

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